That time of year...

The most probable title for this post would have been "We're Baaaaaack". Alas, even I'm not that cheesy. I'll settle for just leaving it here in the body of the post. The last few weeks have been fairly busy with travelling and work related events, but we are getting back on track here at the concession stand, and vow to start the Oscar related film reviews immediately. Just not with this post.

This post is all about the season. The Halloween movie season. When I was a teenager, I loved horror movies. Ate them for breakfast. I'm fairly certain that I dressed as Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th fame for approximately 3 Halloweens in a row. I built my own Freddy Krueger glove at age 16. Wisely, my mother wouldn't let me have any steak knives, so my blades were made of carved wood slats. Lame. Very, very lame. Still cool at 16 though.

As I think back with fond memories on horror films of the past, I'm reminded of the scene from Scream in which the "Rules of Horror Movies" are recited. Before I give you a list of movies you should rent for your holiday viewing, here for you reading pleasure is a recap of some Rules*:

1. When it appears you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run. *NOTE* It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

3. If you are searching for something which caused a loud noise and you find out it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

4. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

5. If you're running away from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

6. If your car runs out of gas late at night, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to call for help.

7. If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.

8. The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat. The guy with the testosterone overdose is also dead meat. Along with the guy that is always making jokes when you are searching a house.

9. If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He'll just pop through and kill you. Same goes for leaning against the window.

10. If you are a stoner among other stoners, be the quiet one or the lovable one. All the other stoners will be killed.

11. Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.

12. Never answer the phone when you are babysitting. Just get the hell out of there and leave the kids for dead.

13. A female should never wear a white shirt without a bra while escaping the monster. It will only increase your chances of falling and causing a freak rainstorm that will make your shirt transparent and result in your immediate death.

14. If you live in Maine and your hometown includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine with a large, rabid St. Bernard in the backseat, while residing in an old, haunted hotel near a strange Pet Semetary and hangs out with teenage girls with telekinetic powers....you're pretty much screwed.

The Scream Rules:

Never have sex.
Never drink or do drugs.
Never say, "I'll be right back."

If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.

*a big thank you to Urban Dictionary for most of the list.

coming next: your horror movie recommended viewing list.

Elijah.